Dear Soldier Boy,

 As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today! How can I make him stay away?

Sincerely,
O. Gnash

Soldier Boy Sez...

I'm not really sure what the fuck you're talking about, but if you keep going on like that you shouldn't have any trouble keeping people away from you, you damned freak.

 It was no bigger than a golf ball, but Soldier Boy had seen the damned things explode. When the timer ran out, a little more than a minute from now, the explosion would bring the entire museum down on him. If that were the only problem, he could deal with it, but trapped in the basement with him was an entire class of seven year olds and their teacher on a field trip.

“Can’t you do anything?” the teacher asked. Her voice trembled and her eyes were wide with terror. She was actually doing a fair job of holding herself together, but just barely.

Dear Soldier boy,

I have this friend who drinks too much, swears too much, and fornicates constantly outside of wedlock and without the goal of procreation. How can I help this friend see the error of his ways and the path to salvation?

Yours in Christ,
Soul Samaritan in Salt Lake City.

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Soldier Boy Sez...

Does this guy you're talking about also beat the living shit out of any prissy little wise ass who tries to get smart with him? If he does, I think I know the guy. My advice to you is to never, ever, poke the bear.

Also, thank you very much for providing me with the name of your home city. Start running, bitch.

Dear Soldier Boy,

There's this kid at school who keeps bugging me. I think he'd quit if I fought him, but my dad says violence never solved anything. What do you think?

Pestered in Poughkeepsie
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Dear Pestered,